Welcome back readers. In case you didn’t notice, my blog is coming out a day later this week. Well, it turns out I had a small case of insomnia Monday night and spent a majority of Tuesday night staring at the backs of my eyelids in a frantic attempt to recharge the batteries. But, have no fear, my lack of sleep this week hopefully won’t have too much of an impact on what and how I write this week.

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So, while last week, as you all hopefully remember, I devoted my post to relating my weekly experiences to music--something I’d like to think I’m very passionate about. This week, however, I’ve decided to spend my tireless efforts to explaining all of the wonderful, delectable eats that have graced my palate over the last couple weeks. To say that I’ve eaten well could very well be the biggest understatement of the semester. Choosing to save some of my hard-earned cash-moolah each week, I’ve had the ever-so fortunate pleasure to venture about the vast and wonderful ring of restaurants orbiting the greater DC Metro area. But, before we dive into this dining jaunt you must understand that finding the absolute greasiest, dingiest, heart-attack-inducing food is par for the course. Be warned, I do not eat heart healthy. I mean, you only live once, why not enjoy it a little bit, eh? With this in mind, put on your bib, grab a knife and fork, and get ready to wolf down some heavenly food knowledge.

-----------------------------------------------------------------The Scale:
One more thing, at the end of each food snippet within this very blog I will allocate a rating to each of these places on a scale of one to five. “One to five what,” you might be asking yourself? Well, it surely ain’t going to be stars. Honestly, what do stars have to do with food? Nothing… that’s what. With this in mind, I have developed a new-age food rating scale that I fully expect to take the world by storm. I have decided to replace your puny star-based system with my own Snorlax-based scale. For anyone confused on what the hell a Snorlax is: you either a.) Didn’t grow up in the 90’s. Or b.) You didn’t have a childhood. Anyways, a Snorlax is a type of wild Pokémon which basically consumes everything in front of its face, only to then fall into a deep, unwavering, slumber afterwards. When contemplating this rating scale of mine (and when I first thought of using Snorlax to base my method upon) I couldn’t help but think how good food, if done properly, should make you demolish every last bit of it until no more can squeeze into your bloated stomach, and then should make you pass straight out (because taking a nap after a large meal might be one of the most satisfying simple pleasures in our pathetic lives). Therefore, a rating of one Snorlax constitutes neither a satisfying meal, nor a satisfying post-meal nap (if one were to even present itself). Whereas five Snorlaxes mandates a near-puking level of fullness, topped off with a hibernation-like food coma.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Chix:

The first place that deserves a spot on my list of food journeys is a small restaurant called “Chix.” Found a short distance off of the U Street/Cardozo Metro stop, Chix might not initially seem like all that much. But, oh are you in for a surprise. Now, if you examine the picture I have above this little blurb closely, you might notice that the tagline underneath the side says: “Eat Responsibly.” This is not a typo, and yes, this will be the only place on my list that carries any kind of healthy focus. But, however, the flavors that one might savor at Chix are truly out of this world. For around seven-to-ten dollars (depending on if you utilize the lunch special or not), you can get yourself ¼ of a rotisserie chicken, two sides, and a soda. This may not sound like much, but trust me, it’s enough. For starters, the chicken (of which I chose the Peruvian sort) is marinated a day in advance with their special Peruvian blend of herbs, spices, rubs, and juices, crafting some of the most delightfully tender chicken I’ve had the pleasure of sampling in years. Furthermore, the sides, while also weighing heavily on the healthy radar, provide an excellent palate of complimentary flavors to each different kind of chicken, as does each sequentially appropriate dipping sauce (be it curry mustard, hot salsa, or a varied amount of other equally delicious choices). To deny yourself the treat of having the sweet curry mustard can only be equated to the most heinous of crimes. Keep in mind, these are not buffalo wings, but still, I found myself sucking the very bones dry in an effort to get every last little piece of chicken into my satisfied tummy. My only real disappointment with Chix came from the drink selection, which like most places in DC, only offers a select few cans of soda for beverage consumption, and all at a premium compared to your local vending machine or grocery store. Alas, my desire for endless drink was not satisfied here. But, leaving Chix, I couldn’t help but feel satisfaction at, not only eating a superbly delicious meal, but also at a strange notion that I’m normally not accustomed to: I ate something that wasn’t complete junk for my body. The level of “full” induced was satisfying, but not overpowering, and my post-meal slumber never really went too far beyond a cat nap. Yet, weighing the strange feeling of self-gratification over a meal my body could actually process versus the Alien-esque stomach-splosion that accompanies the much-greasier norm for my stomach, I couldn’t deny Chix a more-than-favorable rating. Four out of five Snorlaxes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Yum’s Carry-out:
When it comes to Chinese food, the dirtier and more “American” it gets, usually the more I’ll enjoy it. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the authentic stuff, but rather I find myself more satisfied with the inexpensive, yet acceptably-tasty fill-in for the real deal. Yum’s carryout is exactly this. You aren’t going to be wowed by the quality of the ingredients like Chix. There’s no fancy décor to make you briefly believe you’re actually in China (in fact the “restaurant” is merely a barren room with a slit in a Plexiglas wall where you place your order). But, when it comes to selection, price, and sheer guilty enjoyment, Yum’s very well be the cream of the crop. Rather than limiting their menu to only ethnic staples of the trade, Yum’s does something that, at first, slightly frightened me. They cater to three different crowds. While there, you can choose between Chinese food, soul food, and typical American “fast-food.” This, at first glance, might make one cautious to try any of the above. I mean, how can any of it stand out if they’re attempting to emulate so many different styles? Well, they do it, and fairly well at that. The fried chicken is actually quite good. The American food: not the best, but acceptable. The Chinese food: good enough to keep me going back there to this day (I’ve been there a total of three times since my first visit three weeks ago). But, where it really shines is in the mix-n-match. Yum’s might be the only Chinese food place I’ve ever been to where I’d rather get French fries than fried rice with my teriyaki chicken (pictured above). You’d be surprised, but the combination is actually quite delicious, giving me a double-dose of salty snacking. The prices aren’t too bad either. Each time I’ve gone I’ve spent less than $7.00, (really not bad for DC) keeping me a return customer. Yum’s also gets bonus points for being one of the only local restaurants within close proximity to the RAF, nudging out other chain establishments like Wendy’s, Burger King, and Five Guys in my opinion. I can honestly recommend the place to anyone who isn’t afraid to eat less-than-stellar Chinese food. I mean, sometimes we all need to lower our standards and simply eat junk food for the sake of eating junk food. Overall, I was quite full from each of the meals I got from Yum’s; especially for the minor hit it took on my wallet. Post-meal nap-wise, I’d say I got a good little nap in after my first taste of the place. With this in mind, I’d have to give Yum’s a respectable three Snorlaxes out of five; raking in the Goldilocks score: not too bad, not too good… just right for what it was.

------------------------------------------------------------------BGR the Burger Joint:

Get ready. BGR will rock your soul. You think Five Guys is good. Pshhh, guess again, noob! BGR might have graced me with the best burger I’ve ever had; and I’ve sampled quite a few burgers in my day. BGR took everything I knew about a good burger and fries, and flipped it on its head. It’s not often that reading the online menu will get my mouth pre-drooling in anticipation of the food slaughter that was about to commence. In case you can’t tell what kind of burger I have in the picture above this, let me just start by saying what it isn’t: garbage. This little slice of heaven is called The Cuban, and it will rock your taste buds into oblivion. The Cuban comes layered with a normal burger patty, pork tenderloin, sliced ham, sweet pickles, Swiss cheese, and Dijon mustard. Are you jealous yet? You should be! The picture doesn’t exactly do the burger justice. The thing was monstrous. Top it all off with a heaping pile of fresh cut fries, cooked to golden, salty perfection, and you have one hell of a meal. But as if the main attraction wasn’t enough, BGR also wowed me with its fantastic drink menu. At first, when I saw that a fountain drink was $2.00, I thought: “What the FU*%! A DRINK IS TWO-GOD-DAMNED DOLLARS?” But, then I saw it. Never before have I been wowed by a pop machine before (that’s soda to all you east-coasters), but the one inside BGR surely changed that. What they had instead of your traditional, spout-laden pop machine was an integrated, touch-screen, computerized marvel of the carbonated beverage world. Yes, I said a touch screen pop machine! On top of that, upon choosing your initial type of soda; be it sprite perchance, you can then choose a plethora of flavor additives to transform each bland drink into an original, taste-blasting concoction. For example: within the Sprite sub-menu (also touchscreen… score!) you can choose from cherry Sprite, peach Sprite, grape Sprite, strawberry Sprite, Sprite Zero, orange sprite (oh god yes), and some-other-kind-of-Sprite that I was just too overwhelmed to even register into my brain. And yes, all of these options extended to every type of pop within the machine. Did I mention it was all touch screens? In fact, it took me a couple minutes to even begin eating because I was too busy playing with the pop machine like a five-year-old. Score two points for BGR. Now, let’s get down to brass tax. Was I full? You bet your sweet butt I was. How full, you ask? Too full. You know you ate too much when I had to struggle against gravity itself to lift myself out of the chair and propel myself down the street to the Metro. Furthermore, upon my arrival back home, I fell into one of the deepest food comas I’ve ever had the amazing pleasure of experiencing. Lying down on the couch, I found myself lulled to sleep as my tummy purred like a kitten in happiness with the monstrosity of savory deliciousness I had just forced upon it. I slept over three hours… THREE HOURS, after eating at BGR. Was it Sunday lunch, or a re-run of Thanksgiving? When I awoke, I couldn’t help but be impeccably satisfied with my purchase (all for around a well-spent $15.00). Taking this into consideration, BGR deserves nothing but the best for not only changing my conceptions of a perfect hamburger, but also for reverting me into a child-like state of wonder at the space-age pop machine that occupied nearly as much of my time as the food itself. Five Snorlaxes out of five.

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The End... I Guess

As much as I’d like to continue on with my food-ventures for all of you, it seems like I’m slowly running out of places to review. And, for the sake of saving some things for later entries, three solid restaurant reviews seems like enough for one night’s blog. I highly recommend any of you currently in DC with me to take advantage of each of these places, and also encourage those of you who might be here in the near future to do the same. The food out here is ridiculous, simply put. As time goes on I hope to be able to branch out a little more and seek to try out some foods that I normally wouldn’t (I’m looking at you Ethiopian cuisine). But, until I feel comfortable enough with the staples that have graced my tummy for years to come, I can’t imagine buying the farm and venturing off into the deep unknown bowels of DC’s restaurant grid. For now, simply the opportunity to really try anything when I get bold enough is fine for me. With this in mind, I bid thee all farewell, and have a good week: lord knows I’m going to do my best to do the same. Peace out y’all, and stay classy.

errrrr... Washington DC

------------------------------------------------------------------Bonus:

I figured I’d share with all of you a song from each week out here that has bombarded my eardrums voraciously. Just as I said last week, this isn’t supposed to be my way of saying that my music is better than yours, but instead a way for me to share what’s been stuck in my head for the last couple days. So take each track as you will, this section of my postings will be nothing more than an auditory snapshot of the week previous.

Team Teamwork – The Ocarina of Rhyme (Clipse – Virginia, Lost Woods)

If you enjoy mashups, and Zelda, as much as I do, then you’ll have a difficult time getting this out of your head… Good Luck.

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*all Snorlax images came from: http://www.arthistoryclub.com/art_history/upload/0/07/Snorlax.bmp

*Anchorman Image came from: http://images1.memegenerator.net/Ron-Burgundy/ImageMacro/2608315/stay-classy-san-diego.jpg