My Outstanding Quarrels

My Outstanding Quarrels

Oh, majestic Washington D.C. The Cherry Blossoms, The National Mall, the museums and the monuments… Every day I bare witness to national history in the making. To live here is truly a blessing. That is… until you have to take the metro to work, or buy yourself lunch, or root for a football team, or talk to the over-gentrified elite.



Back by popular demand, I present unto you my latest definitive list… titled simply: “Umm, Hey D.C.” This is an up-to-date list of my most outstanding quarrels with the D.C. metro area. I’m sorry Washington D.C. but we both knew this was coming. We’re going to make this work, there’s just a few things you need to work on.

1. Umm, Hey D.C….

Your public transportation is a joke. The Metro is worse than your football team. People (me) need to get to work on time. Remember my last blog? I’m D.C. big shot now, and you know what that means- places to go and people to see. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Let me live my life on my own schedule. I don’t know how to fix the metro, but you should. So figure it out.


2. Umm, Hey D.C….

I don’t know if you’re aware of this. But everybody at The Washington Center is an unpaid intern. Stop being so selfish. Maybe cut us some slack for once? I can’t afford groceries, never mind buying lunch. And god forbid I ever go to the bar when it’s not happy hour. I’ve been eating spam and scrapple so that I can afford six-packs of Natty Light.




3. Umm, Hey D.C….

Let’s circle back to your football team: The Redskins, (I’m not even sure if I’m still allowed to call them that). They’re just so hard to root for, so painfully mediocre. As a proud Patriots fan, I think everybody should know what it feels like to root for a good team. I’m sick of you guys bringing down the mood at Buffalo Wild Wings. Get it together Jay. Oh and Kirk, breaking news- Nobody likes that. But hey, congrats on scraping by against Baltimore.


4. Umm, hey D.C….

Do me this one little favor, lose the sense of entitlement. Some of you might not be able to handle this scolding hot take, but D.C. is kind of just Hollywood for less attractive people. There. I said it. Self important? Smarter? Cooler? Can’t I just enjoy my meal without discussing how to save the world? We all want to climb that corporate ladder; I just don’t feel like talking about it all the time.

And there you have it folks. I’m proud to be here and I truly do enjoy Washington D.C. But that being said, there are still some aspects of the city that could use some work, and I’m sick of enjoying the city on a budget. Now get out there and put that stipend to work!


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