A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a D.C. Big Shot

A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a D.C. Big Shot

Oh, so you want to be a D.C. big shot? You think you got what it takes? You want people to refer to you in their best Scarface voice like, “Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!”

If your answer to any of these question was yes, then you’ve come to the right place. Here is my definitive top 5 list of D.C. power moves.

 

1. Cross the Street Before Everybody Else

 

(Image courtesy of etc.usf.edu)

 

Everybody will gaze in awe - “Wow, who is that guy?” I know you see that adjacent yellow light. You know that signal is about to change. Live dangerously for once. Show everybody waiting that you know this place like the back of your hand. Cross that street. Feel the rush… that’s how it feels to chew five gum.

 

2. Shove Your Way Onto the Metro

 

(Image courtesy of 4vector.com)


What do you do when you see an impenetrable wall of people? I’ll tell you what you do - you breach that wall like a battering ram. Don’t forget, you’re a D.C. big shot now, you have places to be, people to see - there’s no time to wait for the next train.

 

*Bonus points if you prevent the door from closing*

 

 

3. Learn the Lingo


(Image courtesy of iconfinder.com)

 

You’re not just drinking in the morning, that’s brunch. You’re not just numbing the pain of being an unpaid intern after work, that’s happy hour. Cised? Doin' too much? I'm not quite sure what those mean yet. But you should, if you want to sound like a D.C. big shot.

 

 

4. Walk on the Escalator


(Image courtesy of openclipart.org)

I’m just going to give it to you straight here. If you’re not walking up and down the escalator, then honestly why did you even get out of bed. Standing on the escalator literally screams “I hate my life.” Everybody knows that. My unborn child knows that. Show people you don’t hate your life. Get movin’.


5. Get a Lanyard


(Image courtesy of clubpenguin.wikia.com)

What are we, plebeians? You think I’m going to take my wallet out to scan my Metro card? Think again. I have a fancy elastic lanyard that I’m going to casually scan as I gracefully slide through the gate like a swan taking flight. It's important that your Metro card scans first try. You must never double tap.

And there you have it folks - my definitive list. Now get out there and claim the city.

 

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